Why Hello Karma...

Hey all.
I know its been waaay too long but I've been a busy girl. :)
As pretty much every one knows I'm having a lil girl. Her name is Aisley Jade or short AJ. I'm not gunna lie, I was a lil upset at first to not be having a boy. But now I am even happier that its a girl instead of a boy. She'll be mommy's princess & I can hopefully be blessed to one day have the same relationship with her that me & my mom have. There will be 3 Schatz girls my dad will have to put up with...poor guy. Lol. She's already spoiled rotten. I've bought her like 30 outfits and 7-8 boxes of diapers, which will last a week. Lol. I am now feeling her move & its the best feeling ever. I love it. I talk to her all the time like a freak but oh well... she's my baby. She's healthy and a lil chunky monkey which is precious. She already is bossing mommy around. I can't sleep on the same side as her or else she gets mad. Other then that shes doing awesome & nothing new is going on.

I started my new job at Kouzzina by Cat Cora. I love it. The people are awesome. I just finished my bar training & start training at a different bar next Tues & Wed. I gotta work for my lil one. I love my hours. I can work out, lay out, or run errands before work & still get home at a good time to rest.  So it's perfect. I have a great group of people that I work with as well. Sorry froland. Lol.

My sister Spenser turned 21 & I'm excited to be able to legally drink with her. I've lost a friend during this time as well. It's very sad & I wish it didn't happen but things do happen that we don't always want. Its proof that simple misunderstandings & people not being able to stand in the others shoes can cause problems and when people aren't willing to bend a little then things wont work. Speaking of loosing someone the Disney program lost a CP. My wonderful sperm donor is no longer with the mouse. Such a shame. I'd like to shout out my good friend Karma on this one. The past week has proved to me that everyone gets what they deserve. He got his.... & well I've gotten mine...

I've met someone who is ok with my situation & is willing to be with me & look at what I'm going through as a good thing & not run out into the sunset. I haven't been this happy in awhile. It's nice knowing that good guys like my dad do still exist. So thanks karma. I owe you. I completely shut guys out of my life since February, simply because I don't like being vulnerable and didn't want to risk getting hurt by someone simply because I was pregnant. I felt like I would have a better chance with guys after Aisley was born, and a few months old. But talking to this guy has made me realize that I missed having someone to talk to, go out with, and all the other little things. Its awesome, and he has been more then amazing with me being pregnant.

Here's my song... its Ne-Yo I Never Knew I Needed. I feel like this an appropriate song, because I have realized that having a girl is the best thing I never knew I needed, and well I maybe one day this song will go to someone else...

(Ooh)
For the way you changed my plans
For being the perfect distraction
For the way you took the idea that I have
Of everything that I wanted to have
And made me see there was something missing (oh yeah)

For the ending of my first begin
(Ooh yeah yeah)(ooh yeah yeah)
And for the rare and unexpected friend
(Ooh yeah yeah)(ooh yeah yeah)
For the way you're something that I never choose
But at the same time something I don't wanna lose
And never wanna be without ever again (oh oh)

You're the best thing I Never Knew I Needed
So when you were here I had no idea
You're the best thing I never knew I needed
So now it's so clear I need you here always

My accidental happily (ever after oh oh oh)
The way you slime and how you comfort me (with your laughter)
I must admit you were not a part of my book
But now if you open it up and take a look
You're the beginning and the end of every chapter (oh oh)

You're the best thing I never knew I needed (oh)
So when you were here I had no idea
You're the best thing I never knew I needed (that I needed)
So now it's so clear I need you here always

Who'd knew that I'd be here (who'd knew that I'd be here oh oh)
So unexpectedly (so unexpectedly oh oh)
Undeniably happy (hey)
Said with you right here, right here next to me (oh)
Girl you're the...

You're the best thing I never knew I needed (said I needed oh oh)
So when you were here I had no idea
You're the best thing I never knew I needed (needed oh)
So now it's so clear I need you here always
Baby baby
Now it's so clear I need you here always

Moving On & Moving Forward

Ever since I have got Mike outta my life it has been sooo much better. I am happier, excited and looking forward to starting my new journey in life. This is my journey, not yours, not his, not anyone but my own. I am 23, not 12 so its time to grow and stop putting myself first. I am ready to do that.

                    

I have started just doing things for myself. Doing what makes me happy. I have left my job at the sports bar in downtown Orlando and I am now starting a new serving job at Disney. I am looking to go full time, hopefully within the next few weeks I can get that started. I have strong hope that I can do that, if not, I have to look into other options for health care for the baby.

The weather has been beautiful and I have been taking advantage of it by laying out by the pool, going to Typhoon Lagoon, and going to the beach. I have loved every moment hanging out with my friends and relaxing. They are all very excited for the baby and the little one will be loved very much, and I am looking forward to them meeting the baby. It will be very interesting to see how the baby reacts to all of the people being around. With me as a mother, and Mike as the sperm donor the baby should have no problem with being outgoing so it will be fun. I have an ultrasound appointment this upcoming Monday, so it will be fun to see the baby as an actual baby, and not a dot. I am hoping that I get lucky enough to maybe get a glimpse of the sex, if not I will find out May 25^th. I am still hoping for a boy and can’t wait to find out what I get.

I went to Vegas for a few days with my real dad, stepmom, and two half sisters for a get away that was very relaxing. We went and saw the Hoover Dam, which was absolutely fascinating. It is amazing what we could do back in the day without the technology that we have today. Being in Vegas was the first time that I missed actually drinking. L Being around all the drunk people, and all the beautiful drinks made me think about drinking, but oh well. It is the small price that I have to pay for my little munchkin. I started to get my belly bump while I was in Vegas, and was sad at first because I was hoping it would wait atleast for a few more weeks, but the munchkin decided to say hello already. I am looking like a basketball, which makes me think it’s a boy. I think I have pretty much caught ya’ll up on my life so far, and I can’t wait to get more stuff to tell ya.

I have decided to end each blog with a song that sums up how I have been feeling these past few weeks, and this time it’s a song about the Mike situation called No Surprise by Daughtry. This song makes me feel happy and powerful. When I sing it outloud I feel so strong on the inside.

(And I hope.. and I hope..)
I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I'm singing louder, I love how it sounds
'Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrappin' this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise. I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed 'til today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river, once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever, just pushing it down
It felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise. I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed 'til today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to save
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God knows we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The lovin' look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this
It's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise.. I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed 'til today (stayed 'til today)
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The lovin' look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
(And I hope, and I hope, and I hope, and I hope, and I hope.)

The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wright and wrong, our memories
The whispering before we sleep,
Just one more thing that you can't keep

Saying Goodbye to a Stranger

I don’t even know where to begin…

I am completely lost for words…

Mike didn’t want to be around, he wanted nothing to do with the baby or me. What do I do? I was conflicted about what to do, some people were telling me to let him go completely, have him sign over his rights, and others wanted me to make him pay child support, to not let him walk out so easily. I grew up in a separated family, my mother being a very strong woman and doing what I did was best for me. I know what its like to have someone be a ‘paycheck’, and not see that person, and to constantly feel like it’s your fault that your parents didn’t last. No matter what your parents say, there is always a little something inside of you that you can’t shake that feeling of guilt. It’s not until your older that you realize its not your fault, but as a child its tough. I had friends give advice on their past, and how their dad’s came in and took them away from their moms, buying them off with fun things. That surely isn’t what I wanted for my child, or for me. But this was just the beginning of my pain…

Facebook is where it all began…

A good friend wrote on Mike’s facebook wall commenting about the baby, because she was upset at how he was acting, and all of my wonderful friends decided that they were going to make their point on this comment as well. I can’t even remember how many different people ‘liked’ or commented on this comment, but it was a lot, and it got attention. I decided that this would be the perfect time to announce the baby, I changed my facebook status, and changed my profile picture to the ultrasound. Well the next day I get a friend request from a PS*, and since we didn’t have any friends in common, I ignored it. Well I woke up the next morning to another friend request from this same girl. Well now I was curious, and as he saying goes, curiosity killed the cat. I send her message asking if I know her, and her response is: “no, but it would be in your best interest to.” Well wow, this girl has some balls. I proceed to find out that her and Mike have been ‘seeing’ each other for the past week or so. Well Mike has known about the baby for longer then that. I am devastated. She then tells me that Mike denied the baby to her, and she didn’t believe him, which is why she reached out to me. Oooh but it gets better… She tells me about a girl NA* whom had known Mike. Sure enough this NA adds me on Facebook as well, and proceeds to tell me that she picked Mike up from my house just less then weeks after he moved out here. Awesome. He told her that he lived with guys, and that he wasn’t seeing anyone. These girls, and if you are reading this, I want to thank again. Because of you girls my life is better, and my child will be better off. I want to acknowledge the fact that just because your man cheats on you, you can’t always blame the girl, sometimes it is all your man, and that sometimes those girls are decent girls. Once again I want to say sometime, because NA mentioned another girl that she heard Mike was sleeping with, and I am positive that girls saw that post on Mikes wall, and was either too weak and pathetic to speak to me, or they were stupid and believed Mike. So I want to thank the girls that have respect for themselves, and for other girls. Both of these mentioned a name to me, GL*, who has had a past connection with Mike, and were to supposed to be broken up, and he couldn’t stand her, but for some reason she was on his facebook. Well Mike played his typical role, and didn’t acknowledge the girls when I called him out about them, and also acted like a complete dick to me. So I decided to take action into my own hands, and I reached out to GL, and she told me that she was dating Mike again, and when I told her about me being pregnant with Mike’s child, she was in shock and disbelief. Mike had denied me to her from the beginning, saying him and me never had a physical relationship and were just friends. Even after GL had all the proof in the world, to prove that Mike is the father of my child, he still can’t man up and take responsibility for his actions. He can’t even tell GL and myself that he messed up and lied to us about each other, he can’t even tell GL that he lied in the beginning, and that the baby is his, he kept denying. Well last time I checked, I am not the Virgin Mary, and I can’t pro-create on my own. It took her awhile, but she believed me and is no longer with Mike, because she deserves better then Mike. So two days later, and four girls later I am stepping up and doing what is best for my baby.

I am getting papers written up to get Mike out of my child’s life, and mine forever. He doesn’t have rights to my baby; the baby will not have his last name, but my last name. Mike is not allowed to have any contact with my child, or me, ever. He can’t approach either of us if he sees us out in public, He is not allowed to receive pictures or updates about my baby, he has no rights, and I pretty much have a loose restraining order against him for my child. He was very happy about signing over his rights, and believed that it was best for the baby and myself.

People may think I did this because I am selfish, and don’t want to have to deal with Mike, but that’s not true. I am doing what is best for my child, my child doesn’t need to have a role model in their life, who is an alcoholic, druggie, no self esteem, immature, and who has nothing going for him. I want my child to have positive people in their life, no one whom will bring them down. I don’t want my child to have people and coming and going, not being able to rely on anyone, because they think that people leave on them when they need them the most. I also believe that if a person isn’t man enough to own up to his own actions and take responsibility, then he doesn’t deserve anything else but what he deserves, and that is nothing. So that is exactly what I gave him, nothing and even more then nothing.

When I finally see Mike to have him sign over papers, I feel empty, disgusted and lost. How could I not see what Mike was doing? We played the game from the beginning, and once a player, always a player. But now its game over. I didn’t know who I was looking at, and I realized that I never knew Mike. Once I realize that I never knew Mike, it makes it so much easier to say good bye. How can I miss someone that I never knew? How can I be upset over someone that never respected me? How can I have feelings for someone who never cared about me? Once I realized all of this and had Mike sign over his rights, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and that I was finally free to be happy and move on with my life. And that’s exactly what I am about to do, be free. Live my life with happiness and love. My child will have someone in their life, who loves them, loves their mother, and treats them with the love and respect that they both deserve.

Mommy and Me... Literally

Hey guys… sorry its been awhile, but life has been crazy. You will soon see…

Well I don’t even know where to begin. I have been working my butt off, and when I get a free moment I am trying to catch up with friends and family members.

The most important thing that has happened that you all need to be caught up with is the baby’s father. I left off last time with the baby’s father being the cliffhanger. Him and I met while working at Splash Mountain. We met last June, and have had a very up and down relationship while he was gone in Texas after his program ended in August. In November we worked things out, and started to head in the right direction. He got into another College Program with Disney, and was moving back out here for me and him to work things out. We talked all the time and things were going great. His program was starting in February and he was moving out here in January to live with us. He flew out January 12^th, and it was perfect. We went to Disney, and had a great time. Everything was awesome; I was super happy, and loved every minute with him.

Then after he had been here for about two weeks, things started changing. He started hanging out at Vista Way, which is one the housing places for the College program students. He was gone all the time, and I never saw him. When I did see him he was tired from being out all night, and I started to get very upset. The end of January I went to California to visit one of my best friends to celebrate our birthday’s, which were earlier in January. He decided that while I was gone he was going to go stay with his grandparents, who live about twenty minutes away from me. I was fine with that, because I understood why he wouldn’t stay at the house by himself. While I was gone we got into a fight, because, according to him, he got a message from a guy on Facebook saying that Mike shouldn’t be with me, and that I was a waste of time. This was the beginning of the end…

I came back from California, and we didn’t speak that much, especially with all the stress that I had on my mind of the possibility of being pregnant. After I found out that I was pregnant, I had to pick a time to tell Mike. I found out the weekend of Super Bowl, and the Monday after was when he was starting his new program. He was as happy as a kid in the candy with all the money in the world about this program, and I just couldn’t tell him until after he moved in. The week that I found out that I was pregnant, I did everything I could do to start fixing my relationship with Mike. If we were about to have a baby together, we needed to be on the best of terms, and he needed to be in a good mood when I told him the news. We got him moved in all perfect, and had a great few days together, and planned on going to Disney together one day, and I knew that this would be the perfect time to tell him. We would have a wonderful time at the Parks, and then after I would tell him, yup that was my plan and I felt wonderful about it.

We get the Parks, and we are having a wonderful time, he finally got to see Captain EO, and we were getting along perfectly. Then he got a phone call, it was from Beth*. Beth is his ex-girlfriend that he dated before me, and they had problems. His mood did a complete 180. Fuck. Now I was nervous. We leave Epcot, and are on our way back to Vista, and I drop the bomb. He goes completely silent, and gets out of my car, with the words, I will text you once I can think straight. I was ok with that, I already had my time to freak out, and I knew that he was going to need his time too. About five minutes later I get a text from him saying that he is not ready to be a dad, and he can’t do it. He wants me to get rid of the baby, and is crying on his bed at the thought of having a child. I let it go, because I know he is just reacting. I try to calm him down, but its not working. I told him that I was going to give him his space, and to not to text me for a couple of days, which he does, and when I do finally hear from him, he is still saying the same thing. He states that isn’t how he planned his life, and all of that nonsense. So now I am getting frustrated. I pictured us being happy, and him growing up for me, because I thought he cared about me. All of my friends completely agreed with me, and couldn’t believe at how he was acting, and they try to reach out to him, and he ignores them, or tells them the same thing. A brick wall, and a brick wall isn’t what a baby needs…

Two weeks later I am disgusted and absolutely completely empty when looking at him. I have no feelings for him, and wonder what Mike I am looking at, the liar, the cheater, the immature child, or the bad guy pretending to be good? Either way I could care less. Reminiscing from a childhood favorite “Dear Mike, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes!”

I know I jumped ahead A LOT but that is for another time…

Before you go on with your day, I ask that you please say a prayer for everyone you have in your family that you love. Everyday is precious, and tomorrow is never promised. During this break I had my wonderful friends loose someone that is very precious to them. This was the probably the nicest, hardworking, and wonderful family I have ever been able to meet, and they are going through a very difficult time, so please just say a prayer for not only your own family but this family. Life is not fair, and sometimes we wonder why God does what he does, but through everything that I have gone through on my own personal level, I have come to realize that even though we know that we are good people, and haven’t done anything wrong to deserve such pain, that we can’t look at things as God punishing us, but that he knows that we are strong enough to suffer such pain, and become better people through this. God uses the strong people in life to help others, and to stop things that happened to us, from happening to other people who are not strong enough to endure such pain.

Happy and Disappointed

All of my friends and ‘family’ in Orlando knew about the baby, and they were excited, and very supportive of my choice. It made the whole situation a lot better and made me even more excited about the baby. I had also told my two best friends, Elena and Erin* who live in California. Elena, who I have known since I was in the 9^th grade, and we are practically sisters, was supportive and knew that I was doing what I felt best and was going to support me no matter what. Erin was very upset and shocked by the news. She was very conflicted with the news and wondered why I wasn’t going to have an abortion. She is slowly starting to come around to the situation, and being more supportive. I now had to tell my family… which would not be easy. My mother had me at the age of 18, and her and my father did not last. Telling my mother that I was pregnant was the most terrifying thing that I could ever imagine. I never imagined my life happening this way, I planned on being married and all that ‘hoopla’ everyone talks about, but life is crazy and it very rarely happens how we plan. I wanted to have some type of plan for telling my mom, so I wanted to contact my blood father and ask him how things happened when they found out about me. That completely blew up in my face…

Have you ever watched a really bad movie or TV show, and the way gossip spreads when one person calls another, who calls another, calls another, and so on and so forth…? And after it’s all done you say to yourself, that would never happen in real life. Well it does. I am living proof. At that exact moment I wondered where in the hell is the TV crew?!? My blood father Charles* talked to my Aunt, who talked to my Grandma, who tried to call me, but I didn’t answer, so she called my MOM to find out if I really was pregnant. I received a text message from my mom asking me what the hell was going on. So now my mother heard rumors, and I had to be the one to confirm the rumor. See what I mean? Crazy does happen.

“I thought you had your head on straight.” “I am so disappointed, and hurt.” “I never imagined you would make this mistake.” “Your life is never going to be the same.” “How could this happen?” “You were a better person when you were 21, I don’t know what has happened to you.” Those were just some of the things that my mother Sally* said to me that still linger in my head. It was a disaster. This happened on Super Bowl Sunday, and we still are having a hard time talking. My mother is my best friend, so to be going through this is very difficult.

My blood father’s side of the family is the opposite of my mother; they are happy and supportive of the baby. Its extremely difficult having two opposite reactions. When I talk to one group of people I get support, and the other I can’t even talk to without getting into a fight. When I was 7 years old, my mother remarried, and that man Larry* has become my father. He has been there for me through everything. Which is why I consider him my father. So telling him was very difficult as well. He could either rip my head off like my mother, or be very calm and rational about it. He was very rational, and calm about it when I told him. He was obviously very disappointed, and upset, which is what I expected. But at the same time, he didn’t scream, yell, or anything else. He stayed calm and asked questions about what I was going to do, who the father was, and what we were going to do.

Speaking of the baby's father…

* All names have been changed.

23 and Pregnant

“Your test results came back, and they were positive.”

“Positive I’m pregnant or positive I’m not?”

“Positive you are pregnant. Congratulations.”

…phone hits the floor…

“Natesha…? We will see you on Monday correct for your ultrasound?”

“Yee…eee…sss”

“Okay, well… congratulations again.”

I would have thought that a nurse would be halfway expecting a woman to freak out when she is told that she is pregnant. I don’t know if this nurse has never had a woman start crying before on her, or if she was just still in her food coma from lunch. Either way I gave her an eventful afternoon. I was pretty positive that I was pregnant, but actually hearing someone confirm it over the phone through blood work was shocking. I knew instantly that abortion was just not going to be an option. So now I had to decide if I wanted to do adoption, or actually keep the baby. I feel like so many people go through situations very similar to mine, but since we are ‘adults’ people don’t give us too much attention, or help really because we should ‘know’ what to do. I really don’t think age matters too much when it comes to being pregnant for your first time. If I was 18, 23, 27, or 32, married or not, I would still like to hear from other people, and would like to know that others are going through the same things, or whatever they are going through. I am now 9 weeks along, and have had some rough times, experiences, and discussions with people, so I feel like people need to know that just because someone isn’t 16 & pregnant doesn’t mean that they can’t have a story worth telling, to help others become stronger.

Lets rewind a few… I am 23 years old, I live with three of my good girlfriends, and we have three dogs, yes three dogs. We have a four-year-old pocket beagle named Scooby, a pit bull named Hercules and Boston terrier named Riley who will be two on June 28, and July 4. Needless to say our house is already a circus, and now we are about to add a baby to the chaos. I was born in Utah, moved to California when I was six, and I moved to Orlando Florida almost two years ago, after graduating from college from Arizona State University. Another wrench in the mix, all of my blood family is thousands of miles away.

Once I finally calmed down from hearing the news, I was positive that I was keeping the baby. I just felt this connection, bond, and knew that I couldn’t carry a baby for nine months and then just give it away. So once that decision was made it was time to start telling the world, aka my family and friends, oh and of coarse the father, about the news. My one roommate SVD was with me when I got my blood work done, and when I found out the news, so she was my rock, and support from the very start. It was now time to move on to the rest of crew. Thank sweet baby Jesus for technology because all I had to do was send out one huge mass text message, and the word was out. From the very beginning I had all of the support, and love I could have ever asked for from all of my friends, who have become my extended family and I see many of them as my sister. But friends are one thing, family, like Moms, Dads, and Grandparents… well that’s a whole different ball game…