Moving On & Moving Forward

Ever since I have got Mike outta my life it has been sooo much better. I am happier, excited and looking forward to starting my new journey in life. This is my journey, not yours, not his, not anyone but my own. I am 23, not 12 so its time to grow and stop putting myself first. I am ready to do that.

                    

I have started just doing things for myself. Doing what makes me happy. I have left my job at the sports bar in downtown Orlando and I am now starting a new serving job at Disney. I am looking to go full time, hopefully within the next few weeks I can get that started. I have strong hope that I can do that, if not, I have to look into other options for health care for the baby.

The weather has been beautiful and I have been taking advantage of it by laying out by the pool, going to Typhoon Lagoon, and going to the beach. I have loved every moment hanging out with my friends and relaxing. They are all very excited for the baby and the little one will be loved very much, and I am looking forward to them meeting the baby. It will be very interesting to see how the baby reacts to all of the people being around. With me as a mother, and Mike as the sperm donor the baby should have no problem with being outgoing so it will be fun. I have an ultrasound appointment this upcoming Monday, so it will be fun to see the baby as an actual baby, and not a dot. I am hoping that I get lucky enough to maybe get a glimpse of the sex, if not I will find out May 25^th. I am still hoping for a boy and can’t wait to find out what I get.

I went to Vegas for a few days with my real dad, stepmom, and two half sisters for a get away that was very relaxing. We went and saw the Hoover Dam, which was absolutely fascinating. It is amazing what we could do back in the day without the technology that we have today. Being in Vegas was the first time that I missed actually drinking. L Being around all the drunk people, and all the beautiful drinks made me think about drinking, but oh well. It is the small price that I have to pay for my little munchkin. I started to get my belly bump while I was in Vegas, and was sad at first because I was hoping it would wait atleast for a few more weeks, but the munchkin decided to say hello already. I am looking like a basketball, which makes me think it’s a boy. I think I have pretty much caught ya’ll up on my life so far, and I can’t wait to get more stuff to tell ya.

I have decided to end each blog with a song that sums up how I have been feeling these past few weeks, and this time it’s a song about the Mike situation called No Surprise by Daughtry. This song makes me feel happy and powerful. When I sing it outloud I feel so strong on the inside.

(And I hope.. and I hope..)
I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I'm singing louder, I love how it sounds
'Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrappin' this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise. I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed 'til today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river, once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever, just pushing it down
It felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise. I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed 'til today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to save
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God knows we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The lovin' look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this
It's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise.. I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed 'til today (stayed 'til today)
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The lovin' look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
(And I hope, and I hope, and I hope, and I hope, and I hope.)

The kiss goodnight, it comes with me
Both wright and wrong, our memories
The whispering before we sleep,
Just one more thing that you can't keep

Saying Goodbye to a Stranger

I don’t even know where to begin…

I am completely lost for words…

Mike didn’t want to be around, he wanted nothing to do with the baby or me. What do I do? I was conflicted about what to do, some people were telling me to let him go completely, have him sign over his rights, and others wanted me to make him pay child support, to not let him walk out so easily. I grew up in a separated family, my mother being a very strong woman and doing what I did was best for me. I know what its like to have someone be a ‘paycheck’, and not see that person, and to constantly feel like it’s your fault that your parents didn’t last. No matter what your parents say, there is always a little something inside of you that you can’t shake that feeling of guilt. It’s not until your older that you realize its not your fault, but as a child its tough. I had friends give advice on their past, and how their dad’s came in and took them away from their moms, buying them off with fun things. That surely isn’t what I wanted for my child, or for me. But this was just the beginning of my pain…

Facebook is where it all began…

A good friend wrote on Mike’s facebook wall commenting about the baby, because she was upset at how he was acting, and all of my wonderful friends decided that they were going to make their point on this comment as well. I can’t even remember how many different people ‘liked’ or commented on this comment, but it was a lot, and it got attention. I decided that this would be the perfect time to announce the baby, I changed my facebook status, and changed my profile picture to the ultrasound. Well the next day I get a friend request from a PS*, and since we didn’t have any friends in common, I ignored it. Well I woke up the next morning to another friend request from this same girl. Well now I was curious, and as he saying goes, curiosity killed the cat. I send her message asking if I know her, and her response is: “no, but it would be in your best interest to.” Well wow, this girl has some balls. I proceed to find out that her and Mike have been ‘seeing’ each other for the past week or so. Well Mike has known about the baby for longer then that. I am devastated. She then tells me that Mike denied the baby to her, and she didn’t believe him, which is why she reached out to me. Oooh but it gets better… She tells me about a girl NA* whom had known Mike. Sure enough this NA adds me on Facebook as well, and proceeds to tell me that she picked Mike up from my house just less then weeks after he moved out here. Awesome. He told her that he lived with guys, and that he wasn’t seeing anyone. These girls, and if you are reading this, I want to thank again. Because of you girls my life is better, and my child will be better off. I want to acknowledge the fact that just because your man cheats on you, you can’t always blame the girl, sometimes it is all your man, and that sometimes those girls are decent girls. Once again I want to say sometime, because NA mentioned another girl that she heard Mike was sleeping with, and I am positive that girls saw that post on Mikes wall, and was either too weak and pathetic to speak to me, or they were stupid and believed Mike. So I want to thank the girls that have respect for themselves, and for other girls. Both of these mentioned a name to me, GL*, who has had a past connection with Mike, and were to supposed to be broken up, and he couldn’t stand her, but for some reason she was on his facebook. Well Mike played his typical role, and didn’t acknowledge the girls when I called him out about them, and also acted like a complete dick to me. So I decided to take action into my own hands, and I reached out to GL, and she told me that she was dating Mike again, and when I told her about me being pregnant with Mike’s child, she was in shock and disbelief. Mike had denied me to her from the beginning, saying him and me never had a physical relationship and were just friends. Even after GL had all the proof in the world, to prove that Mike is the father of my child, he still can’t man up and take responsibility for his actions. He can’t even tell GL and myself that he messed up and lied to us about each other, he can’t even tell GL that he lied in the beginning, and that the baby is his, he kept denying. Well last time I checked, I am not the Virgin Mary, and I can’t pro-create on my own. It took her awhile, but she believed me and is no longer with Mike, because she deserves better then Mike. So two days later, and four girls later I am stepping up and doing what is best for my baby.

I am getting papers written up to get Mike out of my child’s life, and mine forever. He doesn’t have rights to my baby; the baby will not have his last name, but my last name. Mike is not allowed to have any contact with my child, or me, ever. He can’t approach either of us if he sees us out in public, He is not allowed to receive pictures or updates about my baby, he has no rights, and I pretty much have a loose restraining order against him for my child. He was very happy about signing over his rights, and believed that it was best for the baby and myself.

People may think I did this because I am selfish, and don’t want to have to deal with Mike, but that’s not true. I am doing what is best for my child, my child doesn’t need to have a role model in their life, who is an alcoholic, druggie, no self esteem, immature, and who has nothing going for him. I want my child to have positive people in their life, no one whom will bring them down. I don’t want my child to have people and coming and going, not being able to rely on anyone, because they think that people leave on them when they need them the most. I also believe that if a person isn’t man enough to own up to his own actions and take responsibility, then he doesn’t deserve anything else but what he deserves, and that is nothing. So that is exactly what I gave him, nothing and even more then nothing.

When I finally see Mike to have him sign over papers, I feel empty, disgusted and lost. How could I not see what Mike was doing? We played the game from the beginning, and once a player, always a player. But now its game over. I didn’t know who I was looking at, and I realized that I never knew Mike. Once I realize that I never knew Mike, it makes it so much easier to say good bye. How can I miss someone that I never knew? How can I be upset over someone that never respected me? How can I have feelings for someone who never cared about me? Once I realized all of this and had Mike sign over his rights, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders, and that I was finally free to be happy and move on with my life. And that’s exactly what I am about to do, be free. Live my life with happiness and love. My child will have someone in their life, who loves them, loves their mother, and treats them with the love and respect that they both deserve.